Back in November had to take a little step back from posting. It was my birthday and as normal, birthday week often brings up many emotions for me. Sometimes birthdays are tough not because of the age but because of the weight that I carry each year it comes.

It’s a day some of my family celebrates & some of my family mourns.
Which has always been a weird feeling to navigate.

I’ve always been given more than I needed on my birthday. I’ve always had a cake with a candle to blow out, a pile of gifts, a “happy birthday” banner draped across the mantle & balloons tied to the kitchen chair.

On my birthdays I’ve always felt the love.
But I’ve always felt the sting too.

The sting that comes when I remember that the day I would be brought into the world was dreaded. It was a time filled with sadness, regret & great sorrow. It’s difficult to know that your arrival to this world was or has always been a very hurtful time.

I’ve always been grateful for the love that my family and friends showered me with on my birthday. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the heavy feeling of being a burden is extra heavy each year when my birthday rolls around.

No amount of gifts or decorations can lessen that for me. I wish I would of spent more time over the years acknowledging both feelings instead of suppressing half of them.

Birthday week combined with all the feelings that have been extra fresh while sharing my story & participating in the #kneetoknee challenge forced me to take a breather. While doing so I was reminded of a few things I’d like to remember while turning 29.

– I’m grateful to become one year older & wiser too!
– Family is everything.
– Thinking you’re a burden to some, doesn’t make you a burden to all.
– Take care of yourself better.
– Count your blessings more than your wants.
– Road trips with your husband give you life!
– Reunion takes time.
– Practice self love, your daughters need to witness more of it.
– Keep sharing your truth, it’s empowering and making you healthier.
– Cake is damn delicious. Have it and eat it too!

Love, Jenni

my 1st birthday

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