Ohhh Mother’s Day I feel you coming. — For me it’s one of the two hardest days of the year being adopted. The other being my birthday.
They are the two days where you celebrate, ache & recognize reality the very most. They are days where you master the “grin & bear it” and then cry when your alone. Because it’s a twisted, complex day of emotions.
On this day
You celebrate the mother you know.
You ache for the mother you don’t.
You recognize that BOTH of them are yours & that BOTH of them have earned their title as — m o m. Even if society encourages you to only acknowledge the one doing the obvious work.
I never truly understood the unfairness of that until I had children of my own. At one point I felt like only the moms that raise kids are worthy of that title. A mindset I think I gained through listening to opinions of voices that came and went around me. Now as a mother myself I can see where the hard work of daily motherhood comes into play there. But also as a mother who has endured 2 pregnancies I see where a birth mom shouldn’t be left out.
Experiencing my first pregnancy is when that mindset was forever changed. Because I knew what it felt like to love someone I’d never met. I felt the beautiful torment my body went through making a new life. I knew what it felt like to want to give that baby the whole world. I knew what it felt like to form that unbreakable bond to each other. Experiencing these things taught me that yes, she signed away her rights. But she didn’t sign away being a mother. It was because she loved me as a mother that she did what she did to give me the world too.
I truly cannot fathom anything more painful to do than give up the opportunity of raising my children. A brave act just as selfless and loving as is the mother who raised me day in and day out. Just because they played two different roles, doesn’t deem either one lesser than the other.
I have two mothers & you can’t tell me differently. Each one experienced something totally different. Each painful in their own way. Each beautiful. Each loving. Each selfless. Each crucial in me becoming me.
One felt me kick from within.
One felt me hold her hand.
One created me.
One created memories with me.
One gave life to me.
One watched me live life.
One heard my first cry.
One watched my first walk.
One taught me to wonder.
One taught me to work.
One gave me traits.
One gave me guidance.
One was there in spirit.
One was there in person.
One named me Logan.
One named me Jenni.
Both showed me how to be.
Both showed me how not to be.
Both have sacrificed.
I’ve fought with both.
I love both and both love me.
Both molded me into who I am.
Neither one could have been the Mothers that they are to me without the other & while adoption isn’t always perfect picture. I feel quite lucky to have both moms behind what makes me — ME.
I’m an adoptee — There are two moms to my equation. Always have been, always will be. How I parent my children now is my result of having these two moms. I don’t know what the future holds and I’m sure I’ll mess it up along the way. But right now all I know is I am right where I need to be for my kids & that’s good enough for me.
Being raised in a closed adoption I always felt that it would be rude or out of line for me to acknowledge my birth mom on this day. So I did the “respectful” thing of doing it silently. That’s something I wish could of been done differently, and it’s something I hope families are doing differently in this “open adoption” age.
So going into this Mother’s Day weekend I hope that all families within adoption, no matter your situation will remember to acknowledge both moms on Mother’s Day and always. If your an adoptive parent please take the initiative and remember the birth mom & family. Speak of them often and find ways to incorporate them into conversations and celebrations. If you don’t then your adopted child won’t ever think they can. Do it even if your child seems “whatever” about it. Lots of shrug off whatever’s can turn into real heartache that doesn’t need to be there. I can personally attest.
Share this day. Share the love.