I often wondered how my birth mom celebrated each holiday.
But when it came to Valentine’s Day I wondered a little bit extra. I wondered all the things…
Was she loved?
Was she celebrating?
Did she know I loved her?
Did she, does she, will she, can she love me?
Now that I know her I get to ask her these things. So on Valentine’s Day I sent her a text wishing her Happy Valentine’s Day & I asked her to tell me her favorite Valentines memory. This is what she told me…
“Be ready for disappointment. I don’t have valentine memories. I’m not sure I’ve ever celebrated it.”
I was crushed to hear that & to know that. It made me think of all the ways I’ve happily celebrated Valentines Day.
From my parents giving us a valentine surprises, treats or balloons …..
to a stressed out middle schooler wondering if I’d get a valentine card from my crush……..
to when I was head over heels for my husband in high school – he took me on a scavenger hunt to all our favorite places in town fully equipped with a mixed CD of our songs & love notes at each location……….
to being proposed to the day before Valentine’s……
to being married and keeping it “low key special” because let’s face it V DAY restaurant crowds are the worst……..
to celebrating & spoiling our own sweet girls…….The list can go on and on.
What I noticed is that in my lifetime I’ve been surrounded by love. It’s heartbreaking to know that all the years I wondered how she was celebrating – she wasn’t. Each time I learn about something she missed out on in life, I’m overwhelmed with both the grateful and guilty feelings.
Did she miss out because of me? Did she not want to celebrate? I don’t necessarily think it was my fault but I think part of me will always wonder and carry a bit of that burden? I don’t think there is anything I can do about that, the only thing I am in control of now is changing that for her & making sure that in the years to come she will feel of my love for her on that day.
Hopefully one day her answer will no longer be that she never celebrated it.
p.s. Has adoption affected Valentines Day for you?