H is for healing

Healing has been a consistent thing I’ve experience through my adopted journey.

Being a baby held by the woman who grew you, then suddenly you never feel her near again — that takes healing.

Realizing the reason “you’re special” to your family, is from an anything but special situation — that takes healing

Being asked why your mom didn’t want you — that takes healing.

Telling your mom she isn’t your real mom when you’re an angry teenager— that takes healing.

Having that dumb boy twist & use your adoptee insecurities against you for his benefit — that takes healing.

Looking in the mirror and only seeing question marks — that takes healing.

Always feeling like a burden — that takes healing.

Wondering what your birth moms relationship is like with her kids she has after you — that takes healing.

Reading the words “she almost didn’t follow through” that your birth grandma wrote to you in a letter when you were born — that takes healing.

Bottling all your emotions in so you don’t offend anyone — that takes healing.

Admitting all your adoptee pains to your boyfriend/husband to be and never seeing yourself the way he sees you— that takes

Believing that your existence ruined your birth moms life — that takes healing

Giving birth for the first time & feeling that maternal bond to your daughter which instantly brings you to tears while you sit in the hospital bed & wonder “How could she do it? How could she walk away?” — that takes healing.

Receiving the denial letter from your adoption agency when you are “of age” to request contact info of your birth family, if they chose to leave it — that takes healing

Deciding to search for her, hitting dead ends and thinking it’s her when it’s not — that takes healing.

Feeling guilty for searching and finding her — that takes healing.

Seeing your birth moms photo for the first time — that takes healing.

Reunion — takes healing.

Saying bye at the end of your reunion day — that takes healing.

The rise & fall of communication between the person your soul knows but you don’t — that takes healing.

Daring to tell your story — that’s part of the healing.

ya know just to name a few….

This quote says it best “healing doesn’t mean damage never existed. It means it no longer controls our life.”

What I’ve learned the most is that

You heal through some and you grow through them all.

Love, Jenni

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