In a recent email between my (biological) grandpa and I we were discussing my birth mom he asked me this question:
Maybe your relationship with her is not yet to the point that you would like it to be, BUT is it worse than before you reconnected??
This one is weighted to answer & it’s difficult to explain. But let me try…
No, it’s not where I’d like it to be. But it’s okay, because….
It’s not necessarily worse than before we reconnected but at times it can be harder. It’s harder because it’s real now, it’s no longer a dream or hope or imagination of what could be. The things that made it difficult before I found her was due to the unknowns. Everything was created in my own imagination of her. So now that we have reconnected it’s all real which is more good than bad, but it’s still both and it can make the painful things sting more because it’s reality & there is no way to make it up differently in my mind. It is what it is and how you respond can keep or change the course pretty quickly.
Don’t get me wrong I still wouldn’t change it.
I’d still choose finding her vs not.
2019 was a difficult year & I’ve been learning how to grow and expand my understanding in all forms. I’ve been learning how to adapt & improve myself. I’ve been learning that lowering expectations is crucial in this journey. Patience is required in this reunification with my birth mom but also in accepting myself. Much of this past year was difficult because I wasn’t being patient enough. I was expecting things to go and do and be a certain way when I wanted them to, but then I was left disappointed when those weren’t the case. Which is natural but it’s also not fair for other parties involved. We’re all just trying & we all have different expectations. It took far to long to remember a few words I’ve heard my husband say many times over the years …. GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME.
My goal for this year is to be patient, to go with the flow more and let things work themselves out. I’m going to try to quit trying to rush things & don’t let the let downs consume me. It’s easier for me to do that in all other areas of life but I find it harder to do when it comes to these adoptee feelings.
If there is anything I’ve learned from birth to now in this adopted life is that there truly is a time and a reason for everything. I’m looking forward to writing more and telling more of my story this year! Thanks for reading along & connecting with me. This adoption community is pretty neat. Wishing you all – the patience you need where ever you’re at in this journey.