Dear Birth mom: I have an apology to make.
All my life I’ve wanted to hear about all the agony that came during and after placing me for adoption. I’ve wanted to personally hear how absolutely miserable it was for you. I guess in hopes that hearing your pain and regret will make the pains of my life feel less.
That thought is absolute garbage. Pure junk of my mind and to ever want you to relive that, is unfairness in its truest form.
After reconnecting with you I’ve wanted answers to everything. But I have been unsatisfied when given what I believe are half ass answers. Which makes me poke and prod even more in hopes you’ll lay it all out there. Making you more guarded and leave you feeling impossibly defeated.
Last night my husband and I laid in bed & talked for hours about some deep pains and life lessons, the impact of this conversation left us both feeling incredibly transformed. We hashed out thoughts and feelings we listened and we cried. We often have big conversations like this after one of us have been in an all encompassing rut. This time the rut was mine. I was fully encompassed and affected by things I selfishly wanted out of my relationship with my birth mom that weren’t necessarily coming to fruition. I’ve wanted her to dive deeper into her past. She’s been giving me answers that touch on things at a surface level but don’t open the door to her deepest wound.
Mind shifts happened last night when I realized that the junk that is in our way is the selfish things I’ve wished that you’d open up with me about every.little.thing. surrounding the time you placed me. I’ve wanted to hear the lowest of lows, the pain and regret. I guess in someway I wanted to hear you say that IT WAS MISERABLE, SHITTY, HEART WRENCHING, CRUEL AND THE WORST thing that ever happened to you to place me. It’s horrible to admit it but I’ve selfishly wanted to know that it sucked for you. I’ve never wanted to cause you pain & I have always felt guilty for the pains that my existence caused you along the way. So why would it be fair to make you go back to the pain?
It wouldn’t be.
It wasn’t until last night that I came to know for myself that making you relive your pain is NOT going to make it better. Not for me, not for you and most definitely not for us. I know that it was painful for you. I don’t need you to relive it for me to know that.
I know it when I look at your face in this photo with me on your lap.
I know it was when I feel how difficult it is for you to talk about it now.
I know it was by how small unintentional words can be hurtful & cause miscommunication between us because the wounds are still raw for us both.
I know it was painful by your choice to never have any other kids.
I know it was by how you’ve lived.
Your ability to move on and be happy and survive is truly a blessing that I’m so thankful you’ve had. There is no reason I should make you undo all the healing that took place for you to get to this point. I don’t want to relive my deepest pains from the past so I will no longer ask you to do it either.
You’ve already lived it and lived through it.
I promise to respect that, appreciate that and move forward. I’m sorry it took so long to get to this point. Thank you for enduring what you have on my behalf. And husband thank you for creating a safe and loving space that allows me to express feelings long enough to realize these things.
Today I am sorry.
Today I am grateful.
Today I am emotionally exhausted & today I pray I can live this understanding in full capacity.