November was National Adoption Awareness Month and on Instagram @bigtoughgirl started a KNEETOKNEE challenge where she gave daily prompts based off of a word. There was enough for the entire alphabet however I only did a few. Turns out it takes a lot of time & energy to write out some raw emotions that come with being adopted. While I didn’t get to do as many as I’d liked to have done. It still felt good to share thoughts on each word and how they applied to my own story. So to catch up my blog I will be posting those over the next few days.
First word: CHAOS
The first thing that came to mind when I read it was MY THOUGHTS! This photo represents it so perfectly! Not my drawing, I found it on Pinterest and I loved how perfectly it resembled my beautiful chaos.
My head is and always has been full of chaos and wonder especially having a closed adoption with no answers. When I was younger I used to lay in my bed at night and I’d look up at the stars and the moon through the cracks in my blinds and I’d wonder where in the world my birth mom was. With that thought came so many other questions such as where she was, who she was, how she was, what her family was like, if she was happy, if she was sad, if she was alone, is she was loved or abused, if she was alive, if she would like me, if she ever rekindled with my birth dad, if she was thinking about me too or if she moved on, was I her secret or did others know, what she looked like, talked like and laughed like, this list goes on and on and on combined with the always heavy ‘What If’ and there you have it my brain covered in chaos.
The chaos upstairs dipped into other areas of my life too, such as my relationships with boys, friends, family and religion. It had me overthinking my every move & under thinking my self love entirely.
The chaos stays with me daily as a wife & mother who overthinks it all and constantly wonders if I’m doing it right or how I can do it better.
I thought for sure my overthinking would be cured after meeting my birth mom. Because meeting her means questions answered right? Well… not exactly. Some questions do get answered but what I’ve realized more than ever is that questions in my head might be getting answered but the questions of my heart are alive and well and not so easily satisfied. I’m learning they may never be fulfilled because that hole is too deep. Learning to cope with and accept that is a whole other form of chaos!
Moral of the story.. being adopted is mentally and emotionally chaotic. It just is. That can be good and bad. But for me embracing the chaos is a must because it just might be my buddy for life!